Wednesday, 13 April 2016

What's new?

After my emotional little check in earlier this week, I've been really keen to fill you in on what I've been up to since I last blogged properly in September. So here's the big stuff:

I FINALLY passed my driving test! After a year of lessons, tears, and several moments of considering chucking it all in and giving up. 

I bought a pretty little Peugeot 206 convertible in black, she's beautiful. I'm smitten; I am completely and utterly addicted to the freedom of driving. 

My Mum and I went to Cuba for a week in December, it was absolutely incredible and I'll probably do a separate photo post soon.

I went to see The Wombats in October and Bowling for Soup in January, both were incredible!

I got together with my new boyfriend! Wit woooo, sitting in a tree, all that jazz. 

Happy times!

Soooo, yeah! That's me, I just wanted to pop something quick and chatty up because it genuinely feels like I'm writing on a stranger's blog at the moment. So much has changed in my life and about who I am that it really does feel like reading someone else's writing sometimes.

What's new with you?

Feel free to Tweet me (@samhutchx) for a chat. I'm also always on Insta (@samhutchx), even when I'm silent here. Keep smiling! x

Sunday, 10 April 2016 just can't

My last post was pretty well received. A lot of people said they I'd put into words how they were feeling, and at the time that fueled me to keep fighting and keep trying. Keep writing.

However, I just couldn't. Putting pen to paper or hand to keyboard has just not been possible. The energy and drive disappeared, my get up and go had got up and gone. I read endless listicles and blogs about writer's block, inspiration, blogging motivation, finding your niche, getting your 'spark' back...but I just felt like an outsider looking in through the window. Like I could see what I should be doing and what everyone else was doing, even what I WANTED to be doing, but the sound was muffled and I wasn't part of it. I wasn't part of anything; I didn't belong anywhere.

So, what did I do? I gave up. A twinge of guilt, shame and failure bites at me as I type this but give up is exactly what I did. I took the link to my blog off my social media profiles, I stopped checking Twitter because the circles I've moved in for the last few years mean my timeline is a 'creative's' domain, and I didn't feel worthy of that title. I stopped pitching ideas to websites, deleted the 'Articles to Write' note from my iPhone and told myself I wasn't a writer anymore.

Poor quality phone and Insta snaps to summarise what I've been up to! Find me on Insta @samhutchx 

I have partied, drank, adventured, danced, holidayed, laughed, cried and screamed. Stayed up until 6am on work nights having those conversations that only happen when bed time has long gone. Waved bye to old friends and relationships. Welcomed new friends and even a new boyfriend into my life. So much has changed that it almost feels like I'm a stranger as I return to tap away at this old blog. With each change that's occurred, a little flame inside me has ignited and that little blogging voice has called out to remind me that I would love to document all of this somewhere...but I didn't feel worthy. I'd already failed as a writer, in my mind, so I put out the flame and shouted over the little voice.

Truthfully, these last few months have been incredibly hard. There have been amazing, breath taking highs but some very very dark lows. I think you should absolutely, immediately forgive yourself for not managing to run a blog when life has gotten in the way. But, like everyone, I am my own worst critic!

This is me checking in. Because for a while I had most definitely checked 'out'! I don't know what lies ahead for this blog, but I do know that you have only failed when you stop trying. And by God I'm trying.

Feel free to Tweet me (@samhutchx) for a chat. If you've had similar struggles I'd love to hear from you. I'm also always on Insta (@samhutchx), even when I'm silent here. Keep smiling! x

Thursday, 10 September 2015

Letting Happiness In

I think I'm in something of a transitional period in my life, right now. Maybe. I could just be being dramatic again (I know, doesn't sound like me). This year I started a new job, ended a six year relationship, found an incredible new best friend and promised myself I'd do everything I could to not only survive but live. Truly live.

Each of these changes has took away a little piece of my identity, the 'old me', and now it's my job to remodel that into something new. I threw away a lot of the things that made those around me convinced I was 'settled' and 'going places'...and so now I'm not that person. Now don't get me wrong, I've never been happier or prouder of myself for essentially saying 'fuck it' and refusing to be a passenger on my own journey; instead I've snatched the wheel and decided to make up my own route as I go along. 

There's just one's a bit like stealing a plane and then remembering you don't actually know how to fly.

Image from Pinterest, source unknown (link)

Everything is so up in the air that I'm ridiculously buzzed and exhilarated yet massively overwhelmed and exhausted at the same time. Every new experience or opportunity I force myself to take teaches me something new - sometimes it's little stuff, like how I really bloody love woo woos but really bloody hate olives, but sometimes it's bigger stuff.

That's what this post is (eventually, choo choo all aboard the tangent train!) about. I've only gone and learned a reet big thing about my ol' self! It turns out, I sabotage my own happiness. And I want to talk about it...because, reader, I think there's a chance you might do it too. 

It's being single that taught me this first and foremost. Each time someone is nice to me, hints they might be interested in becoming an 'us', I freak out. I go all Chandler Bing on their kind little ass. Partly it's because I'm just not ready - I didn't emerge from a six year relationship hungry for the next one, funnily enough, but I've realised there's more to it than that. I've realised that I'm really bloody scared to be happy again. In relationships, I'm scared to hand my happiness to someone else. I'm scared to let someone in and take down my brick wall and lose the 'hahaha I'm such a sarcastic bitch! Don't date me!' fa├žade. It seems easier to stay in control - if I'm single through choice then I'm safe, no one can hurt me because it can't go wrong. 

But it doesn't just apply to the minefield that is dating and relationships. Oh no, girlfriend, this shit gets DEEP. I haven't written on my blog or submitted an article elsewhere since 30th July. I haven't even tried - not so much as opened a word document or clicked that little pencil icon on Blogger. Why? Because I don't feel good enough. In my fuzzy little mind, the only thing worse than not being a writer is trying to be a writer and then failing. It feels safer to go 'Hey I haven't even been trying, I'm busy doing other things'. Each time I go to try and make it happen something in my head tells me I'm really narcissistic for thinking I could ever be a writer. That it's embarrassing to openly say that I think I'm good enough, that my words could mean something to someone. Spotting the pattern here?(I'm a big massive scaredy cat of a control freak, basically.)

The only way to fix these problems is to, first, acknowledge them. So that's what I'm doing. I'm telling the world that I am flawed and that I'm scared. Of how everything is changing, of what comes next, of the future. But you know what's scarier? Time isn't staying still whilst I panic about being good enough to even TRY. So I can't stay still either. I have to try. 

It's time to own my shit. I'm Sam and I sabotage my own happiness on the reg. 

Now let's sort this out. It's time we started letting happiness in.

Image from Pinterest via HubPages (link)

Sam x

Thursday, 30 July 2015

Septum Piercing!

Find me on Instagram: samhutchx

Being the totally gnarly punk rocker that I am*, I got my septum pierced on Tuesday (that's the bit of the nose that separates your nostrils, basically).

I was in town running some errands and had just forked out roughly a billion pounds for some glasses after my first eye test, so I was feeling bored and in need of a treat. I toddled into the piercing/extension shop and within 5 minutes I was lying down about to have my septum pierced...

Now, this was NOT a total whim - I have wanted this since I was 15 and have watched countless videos, read endless articles and asked anyone and everyone what their thoughts and experiences of septum piercings are. I also trust the studio I went to completely after researching them. I just didn't think I was ready yet! So I'm not tooootally irresponsible/spontaneous...

It did hurt quite a lot but it's over very quickly and now my nose and septum are just tender if I touch/nudge them, and it's a little sore if I'm not gentle when cleaning it. I can't say much more on the matter as I've only had it for one day, so I'm hardly into the healing process! But I will keep you updated, promise.

I had it pierced with a horse shoe that is widened to be flipped up/hidden and I'm cleaning it twice daily with a sea salt solution and clean cotton swabs as advised by my piercer; I'm leaving it flipped up/hidden to heal, to avoid messing with it when I inevitably have to hide it for work.

Any questions from people wanting their septum pierced are welcome and if you've had yours done and have any tips on healing etc I'd be more than happy to hear them!

*I'm an absolute wimp

Sam x

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